Putting the "YES" in Yesterday

I gave my official "yes" yesterday to a nanny position. It's a four year old boy named Brighton and an infant named Margery. I cannot wait to start. I'm moving in. My own bathroom, marble, with a jacuzzi. And a room of my own, like Virginia. I think, quite honestly, that I took the job more because I wanted their life, in that white plush room. With their packed refrigerator. With their wealth and foyers. I took the job so I could live in that house, learning from the elite how it's done, much more so than liking children. Though I do like children. I just don't ever want any of my own. A room is enough.

The druggies and the fatties get it right in the getting

Well that didn't take long. The promise to never drink again kind of fell by the wayside. Riesling, I think it was. A Gewürztraminer, actually. Dry, yet sweet, like me. Wine is so much of what we are, from the notes of barnyard to the subtleties of the most unassuming floral hues. I feel light, as if I've spent the day starving. I like feeling this dysfunctional, starving myself, despite knowing how wrong it is. I ate two finger-fulls of mud pie today, standing in front of the fridge. Then I didn't eat anything for the lot of the day, aside from a single bite of Robbie's shortribs. Then the vino. It makes me want to have sex, the dirty kind that only fat girls know how to have. Fat girls work harder at sex. They have to. It's the only way they'll convince a guy to come back. I'm skinny, so I don't have to be good in bed.

Playboy and Easter Bunnies

I've always associated Easter with Playboy. It's to do of course with the satin ears I imagined Heff's girls wore, alone, with little else, aside from fishnets, waitress red lipstick, and tousled blond extensions . Though I suppose there's nothing quite sexy about Christ's resurrection, aside, of course, with the fact that "resurrection" doesn't sound all that unlike "erection." May you have coitus like rabbits on this holy day. Happy Easter.

For a Long Time

I'm nursing a hangover on a Tuesday. I just drank a protein shake because they say snacks high in protein sustain you longer. Kill hunger. I'm going to the gym despite really wanting to crawl into bed and eat egg and cheese sandwiches. I crave grease. I need more water in life. Not just today. I have my period, which makes me want the dark and cold. A cave. With movies. And sleep. Dark. More Captain Morgan. Sleep. I hate feeling this way. I'm not getting pissed again for a long time.

What They Don't Know

My younger sister Helen died when I was sixteen. She was twelve then. I don't know how G-d lets someone live only to twelve. Never officially a teenager. Never been kissed. I don't like to talk about it because people feel sorry for me. What most people don't know is my aunt and other older sister Mary drove home from the funeral and were killed in a car accident. My mother still sets the dinner table for them, as if my sisters, or her sister, are coming home. And she forgot my birthday this year, maybe because it hurts her less, reminds her less. Still who forgets to celebrate the living just because of the dead? I lost my sisters. She lost some of her daughters. I'm still here. I wish my life wasn't so hard. I know my parents love me, but it would be nice if they told me so every once in a while. I've never wanted children and cannot imagine this will ever change. Some people, I believe, just don't have that instinct or inclination. I don't think I was always like this, I think being a daughter in my house made me realize I don't want one. Ever.

Genny In A Bottle

Genny is coming to visit me today, Sunday. We're going to church, then out for lunch to celebrate my birthday. I feel more hopeful today. I have an exam tomorrow though, so most of my day will be spent studying. Maybe writing this blog is a bad idea. I like writing and want to be a writer someday, but it's hard to get out everything I want and need to say. I feel sometimes like everyone is up against me, that there's no genie in a bottle to fix things, and I can't pull that inner genie out of me.