When I went through my last breakup, it seems I signed up for some self-esteem newsletter. I mean seriously, just signing up for one of those things has to deduct points off your self-esteem meter as it is. It's all pastel and says, "lift your spirits" beside its tagline, "Touching Half The World." Bloody hell. That just sounds scabby in a self-help way.
Its theme today was "Establishing Boundaries, Trust, and Intimacy." Let's just say that "you can trust me" never comforts me anymore. It's been betrayed too many times. My father, certainly. Boyfriends. And the worst: friends. Amy started dating Robbie behind my back two years ago, and it still hurts. Sammy tells me I can trust him, but how far? And with what? My finances? My heart? It makes you tough, I used to think.
But mostly, lately, I think about T. How we were close, and my not trusting her led to our demise. I regret who I am sometimes, how my distrust of people prevents me from opportunity. I live a closed life, with an open body, which makes me sad.
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